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Question

My husband and I have been married four years and I can’t seem to get him to spend time with me. He’d rather spend time at work or with his friends. I asked him this morning if he’s like to do something with me on Sunday and he asked if he could get back to me because he didn’t know what he had going on then. When he is home, he watches TV, gets on the internet, cooks, sleeps—anything but spend time with me. I feel as if he avoids me on purpose!

Answer

We often hear this similar story, particularly from women, although sometimes the spouse with this experience is the husband. You must be weary and feel frustrated and discouraged with trying to get his attention! Healthy relationships require continuous cultivating and nourishing, but with time pressures, jobs, family, activities it’s easy for all of us, but especially men, to allow the tyranny of the urgent to crowd out the important and the dating part of a relationship can take a back seat.

If you haven’t already done this a great starting place is to find a mutually good time, sit down with him, take his hand, look him in the eye, let him know how much you love him and desire a great marriage. Then, both of you can share your perception of where your marriage is on a scale from 1-10 with one being horrible and ten being ecstasy. Then each of you shares one thing you are willing to do and one thing you’d like your spouse to do that might take your relationship to the next level.

We do not know what is going on with your husband, if anything significant. It could be as simple as he is apathetic in the relationship right now and needs to be reminded that he really does enjoy you by you encouraging him, and being with him on his terms for now or you two may have built up some walls and he feels unsafe with you. Think in terms of “safety”. Being a safe person to another means “accepting” them where they are, meeting them in their space. Keep away from accusations of any sort.

Men are more open to their wives when they come along side them in activities they enjoy. If he is watching T.V. go and sit in the room with him and watch but don’t initiate a conversation. Often, with time, the spouse that seems like they are rejecting the other spouse begins to enjoy the presences and starts to come out of their shell.

You didn’t mention how your sexual relationship is going but that’s a vital part of a healthy marriage relationship. I (Carrie) and many women we’ve worked with have benefited greatly from learning more about male/female differences. What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian is a secular book that has some great insights based in part on brain and other physiological research.

Find a few wise and godly women you can share your concerns with and who will covenant to pray for you and with you. Ask God for wisdom, discernment and patience and realize that building safety, nourishing a relationship takes time and prayer and love.

Carrie Oliver, M.A., is an educator and a marriage and family counselor. Gary J. Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D. is executive director of The Center for Relationship Enrichment and Professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. The Olivers have co-authored Raising Sons . . . and Loving It! (Zondervan). Visit Carrie and Gary at www.liferelationships.com.

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