Enriching Relationships for a Lifetime   with Dr. Gary Oliver


My strong-willed 6-year-old is wearing me down. She has an opinion about everything and it is almost always the opposite of what I ask of her. I give her options about unimportant things, such as what she will wear to school, but I put my foot down when she refuses to wear her coat on a cold day. Nevertheless, she persists and we end up in a terrible battle of wills. How can I make her obey without breaking her spirit?


You’ve got to love the strong-willed, opinionated and persistent child and not just when they are asleep. They have the potential to become creative and influential people when they grow up. The challenge is to learn how to direct and manage that energy and creativity and not label it as a “problem to control” but as a “gift to cultivate.”

We encourage parents with challenging children to begin each day by taking just a few minutes to think about the uniqueness of this child that God has given them. Take a moment to give thanks for this child who was made in the image of God. Give thanks for her uniqueness, her smile, her laughter and the other “positive” God-given gifts. Also thank God that He will give you the wisdom and discernment you need that day to deal whatever needs and concerns may arise.

There are ways of parenting children when they are young that can make a difference throughout their developmental years. One of these relates to choices and helping them cultivate intrinsic motivation to make wise choices. When children are young we can (to a degree) control their behavior but as they get older and bigger and become more independent that becomes a greater challenge. Parents who rely on primarily on extrinsic motivation to manger their children’s behavior are creating headaches for themselves and for their children as they grow older. God didn’t call parents to merely control their children’s behavior. He wants us to help them cultivate a healthy Christ like attitude.

The story is told of a dad who wanted his son to sit down but the boy wouldn’t sit down. After several requests turned into demands the father finally yelled, “If you don’t sit down I’m going to give you a whipping you’ll never forget.” As the boy finally sat down the father folded his arms with the sense of satisfaction that he had “won” this one. However, under his breath the boy whispered, “That’s okay dad. I’m sitting down on the outside but I’m standing up on the inside.” The dad had controlled his son’s short-term behavior but did nothing about his long-term attitude.

In our experience with the “coat on a cold day” scenario we decided this was not a battle we needed to fight. When one of our boys didn’t want to wear a jacket we knew that this was a potentially great opportunity for them to learn some intrinsic motivation. Over time, when they don’t wear jackets they learn that they will become cold and uncomfortable and may get sick and have to stay home and miss going out to dinner with the family or some other enjoyable social event. Children don’t primarily get sick from being cold—they get sick from germs.

You may have a different conviction about this issue but the principle is that wise parents look for every opportunity possible to lovingly allow their children to experiences the consequences of their decisions. Logical consequences are great teachers. We encourage parents to learn all they can about the uniqueness of their children. For many years we’ve recommended the book Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer by Spears and Braund to parents with children like your daughter. It is packed with wisdom and practical suggestions to help you in a wide variety of situations.

A child is most likely to be obedient when there is intrinsic motivation and there is more likely to be intrinsic motivation when there is a great relationship. Affirm what is good and healthy in your daughter whenever possible. Find ways to delight in the uniqueness of who God has made her to be. We’ve seen God use the challenging strong-willed child to bring out humility, patience and some other wonderful character strengths in moms and dads.

Carrie Oliver, M.A., is an educator and a marriage and family counselor. Gary J. Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D. is executive director of The Center for Relationship Enrichment and Professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. The Olivers have co-authored Raising Sons . . . and Loving It! (Zondervan). Visit Carrie and Gary at www.liferelationships.com.

Related Q&A

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My strong-willed 6-year-old is wearing me down. She has an opinion about everything and it is almost always the opposite of what I ask of her. I give her options about unimportant things, such as what she will wear to school, but I put my foot down when she refuses to wear her coat on a cold day. Nevertheless, she persists and we end up in a terrible battle of wills. How can I make her obey without breaking her spirit?

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My husband and I both work full-time jobs that keep us away from our kids more than we’d like. When we do have time together it seems like most of it is focused on taking care of problems that have arisen between them or at school. Sometimes I think that our focus on discipline issues distract us from other things.

©2014 The Center for Healthy Relationships on the campus of John Brown University
2000 West University Street, Siloam Springs, AR 72761 (479) 524-7105 CHR@jbu.edu